im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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