Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
