i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
