I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
