Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
