I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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