What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
