Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
