I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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