piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
