Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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