People in love make me want to vomit
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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