I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
