Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
