So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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