Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
