you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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