My sheets look like a crime scene.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
