Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
