That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
