My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
