uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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