i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
