So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
