I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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