Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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