youre lurking in front of me
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
