Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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