mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
