Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
