I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
