Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
