she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
