Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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