By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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