Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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