Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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