OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
