Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
