call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
