There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
