i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
