is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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