I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
