And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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