Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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