I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
