I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize