I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
