Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
