Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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