im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
