OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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