so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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