i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
